Yay I now have toilet roll!

smart

Yes I now have toilet roll, and WHAT’S more I’ve managed to buy a multipack of NINE soft tissue rolls!!! How lucky am I? And jeeze isn’t it a sad state of affairs when the sight of shelves stacked with loo rolls makes you happy, I was that excited I nearly wet myself. 

Well not quite, but truthfully I couldn’t stop myself smiling all the way to the cashier’s conveyer belt, a pretty young lady (I always choose them) positioned behind her newly erected protective glass, not to be laughed at because I personally know of 6 COVID-19 deaths in my Town…….. AND they’re all over age75, hmm that statistic betrays a sad truth!

ToiletRollgate! As you can imagine many theories exist on the internet as to why planet earth went short of toilet rolls, I’d describe the many myths and theories written by experts (no shortage of them on the WWW) as not so much conspiracies, but the most perplexing phenonium of the 21st Century, every woman man and their dog has an opinion so for what it’s worth here’s mine.

Everyone is in agreement panic buying customers stripped supermarket shelves, to such a point the species were on the brink of extinction, and everyone appears to agree the panic buying started in Australia. Back in mid March their Health Department Tweeted people should stock up on loo rolls BECAUSE (and this is important), BECAUSE as well as wiping your ass (apologies) toilet tissue can ALSO be used to blow your nose, a genuine health message there! Corona virus is airborne spread by infected people sneezing, I get that, it makes sense. Then of course Aussies in their droves went out and purchased loo roll, TV companies picked up on the story and a global domino affect ensued, ‘that good ole’ herding mentality for you (heard that phrase a lot) prompting us irrational stupid humans into a frenzied buying and hoarding orgy.

‘Hmm, is hoarding a mechanism for gaining back control in a crisis?’ 

However panicking as a reason for shortage seems tooo simplistic, after all that’s what supply chains and warehouses are designed for. Then just last week I watched a boxing video on YouTube, an interesting interview with the world’s top Promotor discussing the Sport’s future post pandemic, when for a reason that escapes me? Eddie Hearn suggested the most plausible explanation yet!

Thus.

Apparently in the world of selling toilet rolls, the global production/delivery/selling industry is divided into two ‘businesses’, two totally separate independent supply chains, one involving supplying schools factories hospitals libraries fire stations etc……. you get the idea! The second supplying supermarket shelves only and nothing else, two supply chains ‘that never the twain shall meet’ so to speak.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Yes?

No?

Common concentrate.

Well Eddie’s theory goes, after the panic buying subsided people’s homes were fully stocked, quickly followed by Governments locking millions of people within their homes (I’m saying no more), the consequence people stopped using toilets in their workplaces offices restaurants, instead they began working from home thus creating a domestic loo roll shortage, you get the idea, workplaces overflowed with tissue rolls but uhmm no one was wiping their ass! 

Seems a plausible theory to me, what do you think? Lol do you care?

 

A. Shepherdson 2020

‘The Simpsons’ Canada version

This video ‘went viral’, which of course means wherever you live on the Globe you’ll already have seen it…. 🙂 made me smile and we all need cheering up. 

The video (below) I copied from the BBC website then uploaded on to my YouTube Channel, what-the-heck, I made NO money and very few watch my videos anyway.

A family in Ontario, Canada recreated The Simpsons’ iconic opening sequence – complete with “Maggie” being beeped through a supermarket checkout, and “Homer” at work at the power plant.

Joel Sutherland, his wife Colleen and their three children decided to film their own version using old Halloween costumes of the characters, and props from around their home.

Dad said “We were looking for a project to keep the children busy and engaged, and take their minds off all of the things they cannot do right now”.

A. Shepherdson 2020 also ©BBC video (and aren’t the Sutherland’s awesome and look out for Maggie at the end!)

On the 87th day God created cleavage

I must admit I’ve been in two minds whether to publish yet another boob tale (said that before!) Blogger Lesley kluchin won’t be impressed and I don’t blame her, of all the lovely readers to reply Lesley isn’t adverse to giving Andrew’s virtual ass a written spanking, several occasions tooo, I love them!! I fear my sexist tales understandably challenge the lady’s mommy sensibilities also school teaching values and quite right tooo……… Still, Lesley’s a good looking woman for her age, just shows a woman can still be sexually appealing at age70😘 . (Btw she wasn’t offended when I wrote that because I’m a nice guy.)

Ok I’ve a breast obsession! I adore sucking caressing licking and gazing in wonderment, what more can I say? 😀

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Ladies be watchful of peering eyes looking down from on high

Seems an age since I’ve affectionately ‘objectified’ a woman’s body on this WordPress.

Omg summer’s finally arrived with a vengeance and Oxford city is crowded with (age appropriate) young ladies wearing fewer than usual, there’ll be micro cotton dresses revealing milk white thighs, hem lines sooo short that on a guy’s lucky day he’ll glimpse ‘cushions’ of knicker gusset captured in the breeze, and just imagine but for this soft delicate fabric I might see kitty lips moistened and glistening against the sunlight! The problem is I have to keep in mind I’m old enough to be their father if not older!!

Btw this has happened, I’m not complaining ladies but watch the skirt length for heavens sake my heart isn’t as young as it used to be! Or with the advent of #METOO am I deemed sexist for looking and enjoying?

Do you wish to know why I enjoy riding double decker commuter buses in sunny weather? (You know you want to 😀 ) I’ll sit beside a top deck window waiting for my evening’s ride to pull away from the pavement, with a forearm propped upon a window-sill I’ll gaze down at delectable University students (age18) and pretty female shoppers walking past, their animated laughter and chatter a joy to behold, better still and you just know what I’m going to share with you next, more often than not when hot summer days arrive, so do tight fitting tee shirts with plunging necklines and ample boobage jiggling their own merry dance.

And because I’m seated peering down from up on high I’ll watch out for the colour of their bras as they walk on by, and if fortunate I’ll see pastel blouses with their collars open and top buttons undone, omg it’s fabulous to be alive when gazing at milk white boobs nestling comfortably within cups of various sizes, and working down the alphabet from an A cup to a DD, on a REALLY lucky day and this only happens once in a while mind, when the angle of eyeline is correctly aligned and her cups are larger in size, then I have been known to coup d’œil a small brown nipple or two.

Now that we’re on the subject of ladies’ nipples and keeping in mind their SOLE function in life is so that a baby can latch on and drink mums’ creamy goodness so they’ll grow up healthy a strong, yum yum big deal………………..

(Ahh I’ve just had an idea! I’ve some ‘breastfeeding in public’ opinions that I’ll leave for another day 🙂 )

ERR where was I? Oh yes tales of peering down ladies’ blouses! Yikes could I get into trouble doing this?

However this sexy street theatre doesn’t last forever as our gruff diesel engine rumbles into life, alas my down blouse performance is over for another day 😦 that’s until I descend the upper deck stairs and I share this thought with you quite truthfully, again when luck is on my side (lotta luck required in my life, keep up!) A BIG breasted young lady has been seen standing waiting ready to get off, I’m hovering above looking directly down, and no word of a lie, a balconette bra separating two perfectly shaped breasts with her belly button clearly in view. 

🙂 Btw she appeared like a vision one hot summer’s day last year, 😀 so ladies be aware!

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I’m curious, does a woman’s sixth sense tell her when a guy or girl is taking a little more interest than perhaps they should be?

Incidentally this saucy nonsense flows easily when I’m sexually aroused, why not try it yourselves dear readers? I should add the knicker gusset aided by the lifting skirt breeze scenario happened last August! Happy days 🙂 .

(Two ‘borrowed’ stock images which are NOT my own!)

A. Shepherdson 2019

“Cabin boy stuffed his arse with broken glass and now he’s circumcised the Skipper”

I love the English Language.

I have for you this evening a fun amusing (finger’s crossed) light hearted post not to be taken tooo seriously, and jeez don’t you find time passes all to quickly in life generally, oh and here on WordPress, a week’s passed and I haven’t ‘published’ (for several reasons) but there you are.

So like I said time for a post that’s a little more light hearted and how does the Muppets backing vocals to a Sex Pistols song grab you? Hey? I’d like to theme this post our love of Language and introduce you to a word you may have never heard before.

Frigging! (And yes it’s in the Oxford English Dictionary)

Frigging: My go to Blog word in place of profanity/vulgarity, I’ll even go as far as to say it’s becoming a firm favourite, you’re all lovers of the English Language, so have you ever heard the word and do you know what Frigging means? Have you ever seen it written into a Blog? I tend to use Frigging in place of swearing within my Blog, it’s less vulgar and sound’s awesome dripping off the tongue!

But before I begin, here are the Sex Pistols and quite unbelievably a Muppet cover! I dare you not to smile. 😀

(I do hope the Band’s South London accent translates and you’ll understand the lyrics if not Google! However alas I don’t think the video ‘combo’ is Jim Henson’s but apparently he loved it!)

A second reason for writing this evening’s post is I came to realise after writing for a few months on WordPress my language was appalling, and by that I mean foul language. Oh yes I used f### and s###, as noun verb and it’s descriptive sister in crime adjective far far tooo often, once or twice is ok? Any more and the F word loses all shock value, it’s okay to perhaps emphasise a calamity or the worst of behaviour but unacceptable remembering teenagers may read my Posts? Don’t please 🙂 . AND as my old School teacher used to chastise, swearing is ‘lazy writing’ and I’m inclined to agree.

Not quite acceptable in everyday spoken polite society but if you did say “Frig me” or “Frigging Hell” it’s just about acceptable………… certainly sounds less harsh on the ear than ‘F’.

I first stumbled across Frigging as an 11yr old and I can remember precisely where I was and who said it. By Martin Ashby on a Scout camp in Hampshire 19##. But I’m doubtful anyone reading this post has either used or perhaps ever heard of Frigging? ……………… OMFG I’ve only this second realised I haven’t shared The Oxford English Dictionary meaning with you………….. Frigging means clitoral stimulation or to a lesser extent male masturbation, and now you know the meaning doesn’t it sound rather delicious? Anyways I apologise for revealing so late in this evening’s post. 

So there you are, Frigging! I hope to see it written in your blog posts sooon! And btw don’t assume I’m a grammatical expert ask me to define verb and I’ll answer FU.

©A. Shepherdson 2018

An open apology letter to women not wearing bras!

‘Strap’ yourselves in this is a LONG one! 😀

Early evening thoughts with MILD adult themes…………. honest and respectful as always (comment if you’ve had your fill of my female sexual observations and objectification of the female human animal’s body)………….. my imagination I fear is out of control 7 o’clock at night, I’m incorrigible, my hardness is excited and twitching hence I write because these posts are fun and keep me interested when WordPress feels a lonely place……… 123 ahhh 😀

Does anyone honestly think this photo below is offensive? 

public-braless-4

A question for you, why is the female breast nipple such a big deal for a guy? And I’d agree with you ladies who say nipples shouldn’t be, after all they have one purpose in life to allow a nursing baby to latch onto the breast and drink mum’s milky goodness, big f#cking deal? Then babes grow into healthy toddlers having benefitted from the nourishment natural milk brings, AND yet still in 2018 breast nipples visible in public are a big issue with guys (me as well)…………………… but then you ladies ALREADY know this!

I fear all men at heart are really bigger versions of immature juvenile adolescents, and over the past 35 years I’ve worked with many immature juvenile adults who sadly objectify the women’s body BUT are women equally as bad…………. that’s a whole different blog post!

Returning to breast nipples! 

Yes nipples for a guy are a big deal, however hard I try I cannot stop myself from noticing when either in the company of a braless woman, or looking when passing a young lady in the street who’s taken the brave and courageous decision (an awful statement but I fear they have) to go ‘free’ beneath her tightfitting orange tee shirt, as happened with the young lady Friday afternoon as she passed me in Oxford High Street……….. a heavenly vision of a naturel wonderment she was.

So to you Miss, and I know you wont be reading this silly blog post, but if you did I must apologise if I made you feel uncomfortable as I stared at your breasts bouncing and jiggling as you briskly walked along the pavement, I gazed for rather a long time I know, more than is appropriate, my defence is their perky exquisite shape was female perfection personified (note as are all ladies breasts are), yes I felt a little ashamed afterwards 😦 .

(Yes a little. And note this uncontroversial post will make sense by the finish)

I’m lol aware I’m afflicted and note from a respectful appropriate distance, I realise I have a boob obsession I’m going to seek medical help (I’m not but it’s a great line!) But then hasn’t God evolution and mother nature left all mankind gloriously captivated by these wonderous milky goodies……….. and yes I realise God and Darwinist theories of evolution are not happy bedfellows.

Guilty as charged, every lady I’ve ever been lucky enough to watch undress before we consummate, the second she takes her bra off I go weak at the knees and near pass out and I’m not joking for effect!

So returning to my Oxford lady wearing the orange tee shirt yes I’m guilty as charged for being utterly transfixed by her nipples perhaps made more prominent by the cold wind breezing down Oxford High Street……….. and being absolutely serious for a second I think my gaze made her feel uncomfortable and yes I am sorry because well………. I’m guilty of bullying! ……………………….. (But lol she smiled at me so all’s good 🙂 )

Honest of me to admit this don’t you think? Or are any female readers shaking their heads thinking to themselves this is the reason I never ever leave the house without first strapping those two ‘droopy girls’ into a medieval torture device, with sharp underwires that chafe the skin, made red and sore by a garment they cannot wait to fling off when first returning home so uncomfortable is the bra to wear.

Now seems as good a place as any to share a video I first watched months ago, the truth is I wanted to share a female’s perspective and Sophie’s video is well very very good. I’ve asked her permission which is right and proper and click ‘here’ for a link to Sophie’s YouTube ‘here’ for her Twitter (btw I do not Tweet!), Incidentally she’s a Vegan activist, guru to minimalist living and zero waste, practices Yoga and Pilates all very intriguing don’t you think? 

Sophie’s Video 🙂

Interesting watching wasn’t it, are you convinced and now for the rest of my breast nipple post!

(Depending on how this post fairs I have further posts themed breast implants and bra designs in draft………… btw you should SEE the content I have in draft lol I’d be shut down but NOTE I never ever show inappropriate photos on my blog!

But breasts are essential aren’t they, beautiful and however juvenile and adolescent you may think men are for looking, I’m afraid we’re utterly transfixed by a woman’s pointy hard nipples made evermore prominent with thin cotton fabric draping over their shape.

So what’s to do? What’s the answer and I would rather controversially suggest bras should be banned and made illegal, women should be fined prosecuted and sent to bra prison until they learn the error of their ways, instructed to comply with Laws that say wearing such a useless garment is well just plain wrong!

Hmm on reflection perhaps that’s a touch controversial…….. well perhaps :/ more than a touch?

Oh yes where was I? Nipples! Keep on-message.

But hold on perhaps if every woman lived her daily life as God intended, their body free of a garment designed to hide the nipple from men’s gaze, because that’s all I see they are because I’m reliably assured breasts become firmer, tendons become stronger when no longer constrained confined and unnaturally shaped by ill fitting bra cups as Marks & Spencer’s reliably says YOU are!

thRR9EV72QIf every woman went braless then perhaps nipples wouldn’t be the novelty for men they presently are?

Picture left is a Googled image btw, both are!!

Because Britain is gloriously in the midst of a warm humid summer heatwave, on three separate occasions this week I’ve seen a woman in Oxford braless beneath her dress AND for my sins I can picture all three, yes a sad fact to admit but I can visually recall all err sixes shape bounce jiggle and prominent nipple, I take my proverbial hat off to the ladies having the guts to go au naturel because the unwanted attention from wandering male gazes must be near unbearable a sad fact of life but I fear the way God made us.

I’ll leave this rather light hearted post brimming full of uncontroversial slightly male chauvinistic observations with one final anecdote.

As a male child of age thirteen, a coming of age in a young man’s life lol, I remember first visiting the South of France for our summer holiday, and until my dying day I’ll never forget my first day visiting the sandy beach affront of a warm Mediterranean sea. Unforgettable not for being my first time there, no astonishing because the thought hadn’t ever crossed my mind that back in the 1980’s virtually every woman enjoying the sun sea and sand wouldn’t be wearing a bikini top!

Unbelievable incredible, I remember I thought I’d died and gone to heaven but importantly this day was before the internet, pre YouTube, digital cameras were a pipe dream, these were the days a woman could get her tits out knowing for certain their photo wouldn’t become a viral image and shared around the world? These were the days before home PC’s, hard-drives and picture folders, years before adult websites we’re informed drive internet content, no back in the 80’s a woman could take her bra off in the perfect knowledge no one cared apart from teenage boys………. oh and their dad’s!

Hmm thinking about it, that virtually covers all male mankind.

But here’s a thing! After lol an hour or so the novelty of first seeing a woman’s boobs passed by, truthfully and I’ve mentally run this thought many times, after one hour of incredulous staring women’s unfettered boobs became a perfectly natural ‘jiggling pendulous’ sight, and I guess by the end of the day on the beach breasts had near lost their sexual appeal (well nearly). Bare breasts had honestly become accepted as the new normality, no longer a big deal and in fact a woman would have appeared out of place odd and unusual if she HAD been wearing a bikini top!

Unbelievable I know, but if you’d been bathing on that beach however a prim proper classy sophisticated ‘good girl’ you are, oh yes your tits would be a swinging, the cool air sea breezes making your nipples go hard and pointy…………….. that’s ENOUGH Andrew!!

😀

So there you are, controversial opinions I know, but if bras were banned and everywoman enjoyed life free of this ridiculous garment, her shoulder tendons would be stronger, there wouldn’t be these unfounded irresponsible theories of bra’s being connected to cancer (I’m here to tell you they exist controversial or not and I think they’re wrong but what do I know) AND men wouldn’t notice the jiggle! Then I can assure you the sight of prominent nipples as with my Oxford lady in orange tight fitting tee shirt, would become the new norm and perfectly acceptable and yes no longer a big deal!

So have I convinced you to bin your bra yet? 

©A. Shepherdson 2018.

Kissing girls

Original & © A. Shepherdson. (#humour 🙂 )

(A free shout out to ‘Taylors of Oxford’ Deli!)

First off let me say I’m NOT homophobic, far from it, I’m a ‘live and let live’ kind of guy (as Long as no one gets hurt 🙂 ) whatever makes you happy in life then that’s fine by me. I’ll go further and say a person’s colour or sexuality has NO bearing on me, I take people as I find them so yes ‘live and let live’ ❤ .

Having said that some readers may find my tale err slightly unnerving?
Let me begin. This evening I have a light hearted lesbian story for you, this truly happened oh and just quickly, bare in mind my WordPress is whatever captures my imagination at the time.

I’m fine with lesbians they even feature in a bedtime fantasy of mine, I’ll take a second glance at two women kissing in public, lick my lips ever so slightly only because they don’t bother me, I guess that’s because I’m a heterosexual guy. Then again perhaps the spectacle of two girls kissing in public makes straight women feel icky? Or perhaps social niceties mean we’re of the opinion there’s a time and a place………………. called the bedroom!

I’ll go further and say the sight of two guys openly kissing in public makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, now HOLDON lol before judging me! (He say’s 😉 with tongue firmly in cheek!) I should qualify that statement with I’m not tooo keen on heterosexual couples kissing in public either, making out in full view ‘smacks’ of ‘look at us we’re SO happy’ and I have a feeling the kissing show is intended to make people jealous………. to be honest I’m as jealous as hell.

(Btw did you know threesomes, a guy in bed with two naked lesbians, is a well known male fantasy?)

Course you did!

Am I of the opinion a homosexual couple kissing, for example at a Supermarket Deli counter, will corrupt young minds? No of course not, quite the opposite toddlers would gaze amused bemused and transfixed, and you never know unconcealed same sex affection could possibly make children more accepting? Ask their mum’s tricky questions about homosexuality?

Perhaps there lies the problem.

Now to my true tale, writing passes the evening!

Several years ago a work colleague and myself were standing in a rather long queue of customers waiting to be served at a Shop Deli counter, buying freshly made (and expensive) sandwiches. Well to cut a short story even shorter, directly in front of my friend stood two young women who I’d guess were Uni students. Lovely young women they were, one girl had an arm resting on her friends shoulder in such an affectionate way that it was quite obvious they were in love, gazing longingly into each other’s eyes and YES every so often kissing passionately on the lips! (Almost tongues inside!!)

So they were shamelessly in love, fabulous, and I’d guess everyone in the Deli was well aware of our young couple’s passion for each other.

Then to my utter astonishment! My friend rather loudly says to the two girls,

“That’s disgusting, do you have to do that?”

Well as you’d imagine for a second or two everyone in the shop stopped talking, a hush descended on the Deli with everyone turning and looking, only for a few seconds mind. What happened next was all very civilised, with a complete lack of drama, the girls gave my friend an annoyed stare, stopped petting and all shop life returned to normal as if the brief confrontational interlude had never ever happened.

A very typical reserved English reaction, no drama no arguing, the girl’s paid for whatever (I can’t remember) and leave. Then it’s myself and friend’s turn, we purchased our baguettes headed for the door taking us out into the Main Street, WHERE my friend turns to me and says,

“Where are those girls?…….. I changed my mind……I want to watch!”

Making us both smile as we walked back to work. (To be honest I think he felt a little embarrassed at causing a minor scene back there.) BUT in his defence the girls had p*ssed him off, made him feel very uncomfortable.

As for me, well I’ll have to be honest and say I didn’t mind watching a lesbian show of affection 😀

I could have added for literary effect, the girls were within earshot, an argument ensued, but no the two lovers had disappeared perhaps off to bed? (Hmm there’s a thought 😉 ) And we two reverted back to topical male only conversations, lesbians kissing is a little filthy and quite amusing BUT there’s a time and a place! I never did ask him why he became so angry.

However speaking for myself, if two guys had been kissing and petting in that same Deli, making out directly in front of me in the queue, I’m here to tell you lol I’d become increasingly annoyed to point where I’d no longer be able to hold my tongue, and I’m positive I would politely say,

“Do you mind that’s disgusting!”

Now remember I’m not homophobic but I’ll be honest and say watching two men kissing makes me feel slightly uncomfortable, perhaps male on male intimacy is something I should be more accepting of? What do you think? Being serious for a second, perhaps we’re just biologically programmed to feel uncomfortable watching our identified gender being over intimate with, err a person of the same sex, men or women? Hmm questions for anthropologists to answer.

Does anyone care? No 😀 I say live and let live!

Feel free to share your thoughts in comments below…………. make them harsh lol.

(One final thought before I go, I’d still love a threesome with two naked lesbians, a male erotic fantasy if ever there was one!)

 

© A. Shepherdson 2018